Category: Satire

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 The American Dream/Nightmare: My Experience Buying a Home

My mother understood that owning your own home is the key to true freedom. Shortly after I graduated from High School, she bought a small home and lived there for the rest of her life. To say that it was “humble” would be kind, but many of her children and grandchildren would spend time there until they could afford something else or until she kindly but firmly asked them to move on. It was a tiny three-bedroom home with a small yard in the heart of the city, but it was hers. She flirted with selling it over the years but she never did. As long as she made the payments no one could take it away. I think she also understood that it was the best thing she could pass on to her children. When she passed last year, the house was paid for and it provided a little bit of money for her seven children, more than any of us would have guessed.

At age 51, I am on the verge of buying a home with my wife and it has been a challenge to say the least. We live in Colchester, Vermont, a town in the most urban county of the small state. Burlington and the surrounding area, of which Colchester is part, have the highest home prices. My wife and I don’t make as much money as some, but we did have some savings to put toward a down payment, even with that money, the monthly payment of even a small home or a condo would be 25% more than we were paying for rent. We’ve lived in one half of a duplex for five years and the money we pay every month is about 25% less than the landlords could be getting. But we’re good tenants and we put up with certain “allowances” so the symbiotic relationship has been mutually beneficial. 

That is until we had a tiff with our neighbor. Our neighbor is the property owner’s grandson and the property managers’ son and nephew respectively. Our neighbor (the grandson) objected to some lights we had up in the common area and took them down without discussing the matter with us first. To the managers’ credit, they didn’t get involved and took a relatively neutral stance on the issue, but rather than renew our yearly lease, they rewrote it to make it month-to-month. A perfectly legal move, but it said to us, “If you cause any problems, you’re out in 60 days.”

My wife and I debated our next move. “Now is not a good time to buy,” she said. I agreed, but I said, “It’s never a good time to buy.” When interest rates are down, people are looking and available properties get snapped up as soon as their listed. When interest rates are high, sellers hold back until they can get more for their homes thus making the supply limited. Keep in mind that in our area, (and in lots of places in the U.S.) supply is much less than demand. Even in the pandemic, properties were going sight unseen as people looked to relocate and work remotely. 

So we started looking, just to see what was out there, but we didn’t sign the new lease that our landlords presented us. Without a lease, we were still month to month but we didn’t want to agree to their new terms, whatever they might be. We considered commuting up to an hour to work, so we looked to the north and south of our current locale. We considered relocating and looked in the north and south of New York. Side note: properties in New York State seem more affordable. A $250,000 home would go for 350-400 in Chittenden County, Vermont, and after talking to people in the know- it comes down to supply and demand. There is less supply and as much or more demand here in Vermont, so prices are higher here.   

Back to the story; 

We were in trouble! Our previous rental ended when the landlord evicted us (a legal, but dickish move) to let their son and his family move in, so we were gun-shy about being forcibly relocated. With no legal standing, our landlord could sell the property or evict us if we had another issue with their relative/our neighbor, or if the price was right. We wanted the security of homeownership but was it worth the price?

Owning and renting both come with their perks and plugs. Renting is great when stuff breaks. Fridge dies? Fuck you, fix it. Pipes burst? Fuck you, fix it. Lawn needs mowing? Fuck you, mow it! But when you own, all those costs are yours. If you need or want to upgrade, or downgrade, or move out of state, all you have to do is wait for your lease to expire and you’re free like a tree! But when you own, you have to sell your house at the same time you find a new one to buy. 

Back to our story- we found a place! A house that was as beautiful on the website as it was in person, which is a whole other story Some places don’t show you all the little problem areas, why? I don’t know. It seems like that wastes everyone’s time like a dating profile that doesn’t show your hunchback. It’s gonna come up; why not get it out in the open? But I digress.

The house we passed on because it was at the high end of our affordability and also at the outer edge of our physical range was still on the market. But we would both have to commute 45 minutes to an hour and that was going to reduce our quality of life. Plus, the house had no property to speak of, and very limited parking, and was on the edge of a cliff. But, it was the street my wife grew up on (nostalgia points) and in a very desirable city that mixed city benefits with livability (lifestyle points). 

At the eureka moment, we were on an excursion to Plattsburgh, New York across the lake, and staying at a bed and breakfast to get a feel for the area. “Why were prices so much lower?” we wondered. The area was nice but after we saw everything we needed to see, including some nice properties, I asked my wife, “Is this worth it? Is it worth moving our lives, looking for new jobs, leaving our friends and family to save money? Would we be happier here than in that house we loved? Even if we paid an extra 100k?”

The answer was “probably not.” There were too many barriers to entry (to borrow a Microeconomics term) moving to New York. Things that could go wrong that would derail our lives. So, we went back and revisited that home we loved and amazingly it was still available. We had it professionally inspected top to bottom and the only thing wrong with it was its lack of land and parking. My wife wondered if those should be deal breakers for us, but I said, “Those problems are the reasons this place is still available!” We made an offer, lower than they wanted but the sellers had to be realistic. In the Ven diagram of people looking for homes in that town, who wanted to live on a cliff, didn’t want a yard, and only had two cars—we were the only ones left in the center. 

Take it or wait for the next pandemic.

They took it! We move in a few weeks. My mother would have been happy. Not really but that’s another story.

Stay tuned for more rants about my thoughts on the home-buying and renting experience. Including-

-Mortgages- Why Does Everyone Have to Wet Their Beaks?!

-My Plan to Make the American Dream Available to Everyone 🙂

-Why do ALL Landlords suck?

-If you’re buying, you need your own agent!

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Writer’s Commentary- #1

To Work for Free or Not for Free. That’s the Question!

“If you’re good at something, never do it for free.”  -The Joker

I have worked with many artists during my years of self-publishing. The list includes pencilers, inkers, letterers, voice actors, digital artists, and other writers. I also belong to a group of local comic artists of all skill levels, and The Joker’s above sentiment is oft expressed by comic artists. In the field of indie comics, many creators feel they have the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Crow, or The Tick that will sweep the industry by storm, but the creator (writer, publisher, or writer-publisher) lacks the start-up capital to offer a page-rate to artists, and instead, they will offer “a percentage of profits” because they believe their product will rake in the cash and the artists will benefit more than a page-rate ever could. But any artist who has been around knows that it is unlikely the comic will make a dime, leaving them having wasted their time and talent.

After I published my book Twenty-One Octobers, I set to make it into an audiobook, primarily so my aging mother could enjoy it since even large-print books are hard for her to read. Taking to heart the mantra that you get what you pay for, I began to search for a voice actor worthy of the task with a budget in mind. ACX (a division of Audible, a division of Amazon) provides digital services that include complication and distribution of an audiobook, and they also help to coordinate voice actors and publishers for either a split of profits or a straight rate per hour of finished audio. I hired an actor, and after a few months, we had a product I was sure would help recoup my investment. 

It didn’t.

I’m not going to discuss why it hasn’t made any money, but I know it’s not because the writing or the voice actor is sub-par. People haven’t found it yet, and that’s okay. I imagined audiobooks being the new California Gold Rush or bitcoin in 2009, and maybe it is, but it wasn’t for me.

“A rising tide lifts all boats.”

I have four other books with audiobook potential, but I didn’t want to risk the cash up front, knowing that they probably won’t make money. The marketing technique I gleaned from the Facebook group 20BooksTo50K is that when you have twenty books (or book-like products) online, you’ll start to crack Amazon’s algorithms and show up prominently in searches, thus making you 50,000 dollars in annual revenue. Obviously, this is not guaranteed or scientific, but people smarter than I say the theory is sound. So, I listed the four books, three a modern fantasy series, Champions of the Maelstrom, Vengeance of the Maelstrom, and Avatars of the Maelstrom, as well as sVck, an erotic comedic vampire novel I wrote with my partner under pen names. I put these books up for profit split, with the clear understanding that these books were unlikely to make a dime. When two talented voice actors enlisted, I repeated my statement that they were likely to get a 50% cut of zero dollars, and they were undeterred. 

Though both actors wanted the entire series, I split the difference, giving one book to each with the intention of uniting them for the final book. I have been told that audiobook listeners prefer the same narrator for an entire series, however, since I had two talented professionals who wanted the gig, I opted to share the (lack of) wealth. The final book is narrated by the primary character of each chapter, giving an immersive first-person perspective that allows for a richer storytelling experience. (More on this later) My plan was to give the male parts to the male actor and the female parts to the female actor.

The other reason I split the duties was a result of my experience with other artists. People, through no fault of their own, sometimes people get sick, or overwhelmed with other projects, or day jobs, or family issues, or health concerns. And sometimes, they just flake out. By dividing the responsibilities, I could have three books done in half the time while minimizing the risk of an unplanned derailment of the whole project. 

Derailment number one: Health issues with actor number one slowed down the book. Then, voice actor number two starts landing other paying projects and is booked for the next couple years, but as they are a professional, they agree to do the agreed-upon half of book 3. However, the ACX contract system does not allow for the splitting of profits among two or more actors, thus throwing a monkey wrench into my whole plan. I should have done more research before making the deals, but everything worked out. I let VA2 out of the contract (they wanted to leave, too), and VA1 agreed to read book 3. Crisis averted.

Today, we’re on the verge of releasing Champions of the Maelstrom (book 1 of the Tragic Heroes Trilogy) after already releasing Vengeance of the Maelstrom (book 2). 

I know, right?! 

This brings me to my earlier thesis: If you’re good at something, never do it for free. Remember? It was only a few paragraphs ago.

We do stuff we’re good at for free all the time. I have written for free, and I would do so again if the cause and/or market were right. If Marvel Comics asked a beginning artist to draw for free, most would leap at the chance! Many starting actors take small roles to gain experience and acting credentials. I often have sex for free. The list goes on. My point is, “Know your value, but ice your nips.” Meaning—always be working. Not everything is a stepping stone, but every step is closer to somewhere else. What does that mean? I don’t know. 

I wrote this for free.   

What do you think? Have you ever worked for free and regretted it? Or did you receive experience and “exposure” you found to be rewarding? Let me know.

Check out my publications on Amazon or wherever you buy your books.

The League of Super Groovy Crimefighters

Crusader Faith

Twenty-One Octobers: Inspired by a True Story

Champions of the Maelstrom

Vengeance of the Maelstrom

Avatars of the Maelstrom

sVck (Seaward Dracula & D. Stroker)

Confessions 9/23

On the theme of reviews: It’s easy to get energy from positive reviews but it’s just as easy, if not easier, to let the bad reviews get you down. Last night, I was looking at my Goodreads author’s page and trying to utilize its resources as best as possible, it is important to make sure your info and publications are up-to-date. Goodreads is a part of Amazon so they list all my books, available and not available. For some reason, it lists my trade paperback The League of Super Groovy Crimefighters twice and both listings have a few reviews. 

Scanning. 

Scanning. 

Two one-star ratings?! No followup on what they liked and didn’t like. Just fart and get off the elevator. I’m very proud of the work I did creating, writing, and publishing a limited series. To me, one star denotes the worst of the worst which would include terrible art and god-awful writing. Say what you want about the idea and execution, the art is great. I didn’t draw it, but the artists who contributed to the cover and interior work did a fantastic job. Maybe the humor was sophomoric. Maybe he didn’t like black-and-white. Maybe he didn’t think poking fun at the themes and oddities of the 70s was very funny. Either way, one star is harsh, in my humble opinion.

I’m being sensitive, of course. The comic series never really took off the way some other Indies like TMNT or the Tick did, so I understand some just didn’t get it. That’s okay. You never know. You have to try.

I did a promotion on Bookbub for a free book giveaway for my novel Twenty-One Octobers. 100 people were selected from thousands of entrants to receive a free digital copy. I netted about ten ratings and one written review, which was nice but perhaps not “worth it” for the money I spent. It’s hard to know if the other 90 winners have read or will read the book, but as an indie writer you can only try and hope something works. Some people will read what you write and love it. Some people will read it and hate it. Some will tell you, and fewer will tell you why. That’s okay, because most people won’t read it. 

I have a friend who showed her support by buying a copy of my science fantasy book Champions of the Maelstrom. Her mother picked it up off the table and read it without knowing anything about the book. She enjoyed it despite not being a fan of the genre or even knowing me. 

You never know. 

Confessions…9/22

A continuation of my previous Confession- my reviewer gave the final book in my series, Avatars of the Maelstrom 4/5 stars! I’ve been checking every day like a I was waiting for a grade from my professor.

“Great story, keeping you guessing every page I read. Unexpected ending…I’m sure you all will enjoy reading.”

Here’s hoping all my reviews are that positive.

I haven’t written anything in a few days; I’m working on new formats for my previous publications. Large Print and Hardcovers require redoing the original covers, a task for my freelance artists. I changed computers last year and lost the writing of Twenty-One Octobers, so I had to salvage my original Word by downloading the book on Amazon and splitting it up into chapters and recreating the book using Vellum. But after a couple of day’s work, I have my digital manuscript back.

I’m also waiting on the cover for the Trilogy edition of Tragic Heroes as well as the prototype cover for sVck, the first from friend and long-time artistic go-to-guy, Michael Kelleher, the second is coming from art house 100 Covers.

Okay, back to work. Blessings on all your houses.  

Confessions of a Failed Writer-6

9/21/2021

I had a minor success yesterday. I try not to check too often, but any writer is going to look at his or her reviews. The trilogy I released a month ago is fairly long, so even if someone bought them, they might not have finished. Anyway, I noticed my first two books in the series had one five-star review each. I was cautiously optimistic.

My previous release, Twenty-One Octobers has almost ten reviews. The people who have reviewed are friends or friends of friends, and while I think they genuinely enjoyed the books, the true critic is someone who doesn’t care about your feelings. The internet can be an unforgiving hellscape and god have mercy on your should if someone paid money for something and did not enjoy it. 

“I got this book with zero expectations but good reviews. I began reading and I couldn’t put the darn book down until I finished reading cover to cover. Yes that how good it was. Looking forward to book 2.”

That feels good. For someone to have spent their money and enjoyed something I worked for years to complete, well that’s the dream. And to write a review…-sniff-

“With ups and downs like in every story is a rollercoaster of actions and twist of emotions not foreseen by far. Again is book you cannot put down. Different from the first in a good way.”

-If you’re a friend and you wrote the above review, let me know only if it was honest. Otherwise, keep the secret to yourself.

And thank you. Whoever you are.

Confessions of a Failed Writer-4

On a whim, I bought a new cover for a book I haven’t finished yet. I’m writing this book with my partner (relationship, not business) and an opportunity to start work on the cover came around (sale) from an art house specializing in custom covers, and I jumped on it. I have a guy I work with for a variety of projects, and I used someone different for Twenty-One Octobers, but this new novel requires a different look. The story is a paranormal romance (vampire erotica) and maybe vampire’s are played out but I think they are due for a comeback. The work in progress is a tongue-in-cheek, saucy bit of romantic X-rated stuff. Think Buffy the Vampire Slayer with sex. So, Buffy the Vampire Layer, which is a thing. 

We’re working on pen names. I decided on Seaward Dracula. She’s still thinking of hers, which is funny because her maiden name is Coffin, but she doesn’t want to use that. Layna Coffin or something would be great, but also it sounds fake, even though it isn’t.

I continue to plug away at my goal of 2000 words a day, but yesterday got away from me. It was a Saturday and I didn’t feel up to writing. Which is okay, as long as I don’t let it happen two days in a row. I don’t know about you, but that’s my flaw when it comes to working out. Skip a day turns into three turns into a treadmill as a 500 dollar clothes hanger.

Anyway, back to work. Happy Sunday.

Confessions of a Failed Writer

(You might have read this already. I am a failed blog poster)

I am a failure as a writer.

The first person I met at college had self-published her novel and it was a success. People bought it, read it, and liked it. She made enough money to pay for college and probably a bunch of other stuff. She now has a sequel, an audio book, and a movie deal.

She is a success.

I was tainted. I thought all I had to do was write a good book and it would sell and I could be an author with a car that doesn’t always have that low-tire pressure light on, and I would own a house, and people would want me to sign stuff that I wrote.

I graduated college with a writing degree. I wrote a book. A few friends and family read it. I wrote another book. A few friends and family read it. I wrote two more books. No one read it. 

Well, that’s it. I’m a terrible writer, right?

Maybe. Maybe not. 

In between publications, I joined a Facebook group recommended to me by another successful writer friend. They are a great help with information regarding self-publishing specifically on Amazon. But there is a lot of info and there is a lot of different advice.

First, you need a mailing list. “I wish I had built a mailing list before publishing all these books,” someone wrote.

First, you need to write to market. “If you want to make money, write what people want to read now! Read the top ten in the genre/keywords and copy the recipe. Billionaire Romance is hot now! Write that. Everyone is reading Clean Vampire Billionaire Harem Romance now. Write that and you’ll be rich.

First, you need to write twenty books and then you’ll make fifty grand.

Stop.

I don’t want to write that stuff. “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Isn’t that what people say? You’ve heard the punchline. “…because they’re not hiring.”

What is success?

In America, money equals success. Successful people have money. Right? My friends and family would say I am successful because I graduated college and wrote five books. True. I successfully did those things. Am I a success?

I don’t feel like one. I wrote a trilogy of books in the Superhero Science-Fiction/Fantasy category. They have cool covers illustrated by a working comic-book illustrator. They are well plotted with lots of twists and turns. I did the work. I advertised in the right places, but no one’s reading my books.

Why not? If people were reading and saying stuff like, “This books sucks!” then I’d know I wrote a turd. I look at the most popular books in my genre and…damn it, they’re a lot of shirtless, six-pack dudes and no capes! They’re placed in the superhero category, but as far as I can tell there are no characters who can bend steel or fly. I feel cheated.

So, I started writing a sequel. Wow. That’s stupid, right? You might say, “Cut your losses!” I feel like I failed, but I enjoy the story I’m telling. I’m also working on a sequel to another non-superhero book I wrote and I’m also writing an erotic vampire novel. Because why not? I’m having fun going broke.

In this space I’m going to talk about writing. Not really about the craft or even the business aspect, but the decision to wake up every day and write. I want to tell you about my struggle. I’d like to hear about your struggle. I’ll talk about aches and pains and paying the bills and taking care of my pets and maintaining a relationship with a non-writer. All the dirty, ugly, non-sexy parts of what it takes to try to be a success.

What is success to you?

Time Travel is 2020

 

Part One

“ABC news is predicting, with 38% of the polls reporting, that Ronald D. Crampton of the Control Alt Delete party is the winner of the 2020 election.”

That was the last thing that Jim remembered. He had been in a coma since that fateful evening. He didn’t remember drinking all night in the campus’s media room with a hundred other Boonie supporters, hoping against hope that, like the 2000 elections, the news had called the results too early.

Stan Boonie was as close as a messiah to him and the majority of students attending the Vermont liberal arts college—emphasis on the liberal—that Stan Boonie had attended. He had promised to tax the rich, make healthcare and college education free for everyone who made less than six figures. He even promised to refund money previously spent on healthcare and college. Companies would have to provide six weeks paid vacation for starting employees, a twenty-five-hour work week, thirty paid sick days, and six months paid maternity and paternity, and grand paternity leave. The man was scandal free: he had been married to his wife for sixty-two years and he no longer had sex with his own wife, let alone anyone else’s. Creating a democratic-socialist utopia was the eighty-year-old career politician’s only desire.

Jim wouldn’t remember drunkenly staggering back to his dorm, climbing to the roof and jumping four stories to the paved part of the quad below. Sixteen other Boonieites would also commit suicide that night rather than live in a Crampton-led nation.

Jim was the only one who survived.

Years later, he stirred in his hospital bed, letting out a little moan. The nurse at the foot of his bed, checking off items on her clipboard did not look up. She was accustomed to his little mewlings and movements.

“What year is it?”

The nurse dropped the clipboard. Jim was sitting up in his bed, monitors and food intake tubes attached to his arm and stomach respectively. She struggled with the desire to shout for a doctor or to run from the room to summon an expert, but there she stood. He repeated the question.

She said, “It is November 7, 2036.” He fell back on the bed. The nurse looked to the door but made no movement for fear of breaking the moment like a soap bubble. “Who is President?” he asked staring at the ceiling.

She swallowed hard. She rubbed her itchy eye and took a deep breath.

“Who is the President?”

She exhaled. “President Crampton.” She watched his pale face turn whiter. “He is about to be elected for his sixth consecutive term. Pollsters expect he will be re-elected with 99% of the vote.”